Sunday, February 15, 2004
2/15/2004 12:53:00 PM
"Expostulation"
I simply refuse to believe in it.
I thought about a lot of things last night. I realised that when I get close to someone, somehow or other I will reveal that I am attached. Then I was asked why I do not just keep it a secret and give others a chance? Maybe it will lead to a better relationship or a good friendship? My thoughts then wandered off to a time when someone told me that even though one has a girlfriend, it is common for guys to play around outside with other girls. Then I asked myself what the point of this whole thing was.
I am satisfied with what I currently have. I find it unethical to be doing such things behind your partner's back. She is all I want to be with right now. Nothing else matters. I have put too much into this relationship. If it doesn't work out in the end ( touchwood ) I most probably would not start again. I am too tired.
Do you feel like killing yourself every sunday night when you leave for pasir ris? Cos I do.
~fin~
transient dreamer.~`unconscious
Saturday, February 14, 2004
2/14/2004 10:37:00 PM
"Experience"
Only a few of us got the chance.
I threw my very first live grenade yesterday and boy was it an experience. The grenade itself was nothing. It was what happened after that =P. The guy in my detail from platoon 4 threw a blind/dud. so I spent 15 minutes talking to my officer haha... A while later the demolition guy came up to the unexploded grenade and planted a c4 there. The c4 blast was... let's just say the ground shook and the shockwave blew past my ears. Man, was the c4 powerful! Only 8 of us (or so I think) had this experience. We were SO bloody close to the c4. Cool.
Valentines Day! CJ picked me up at the bus interchange. We were greeted by my not-so-friendly platoon mates who kept making fun of me. Screw them. Had brunch at Yoshinoya and more platoon mates came -_-. Went home to sleep for 2 hours then went out for dinner haha... We had it at this Jap restaurant below Taka. The food was great, although a little on the expensive side. Went to have coffee at Cineleisure. The mocha was great. Wanted to use the free tickets XY gave us but found out that it was actually only one and the rest were all sold out. Sorry we wasted the ticket XY... Thanx for the thought! So we walked around my neighbourhood for more than an hour... We talked alot and I loved it. It was peaceful... My heart was at ease... Oh yes I bought her a necklace haha... There goes my pay =P
Well, hope everyone spent their day well... Happy V-Day!
~fin~
transient dreamer.~`unconscious
Monday, February 09, 2004
2/09/2004 06:27:00 PM
"Dread"
This strange feeling overpowers me every time I have to return to camp. I can't breathe. It feels like I am drowning. I don't want to swim to the surface, but I have to.
I am finally going back after a "long" rest of 5 days at home. I got food poisoning and convulsive vommitting and diarrhea. Because of this I missed SIT test, a 6km and a 8km route march and I have to make up for all of them. What the hell. It was all worth it though, because I got to spend one more day with her. I am going back to do rubbish for the next 2 days. Actually nothing is stopping me from taking 2 more days of MC, except that I have to go back to the MO to get my MCs validated. It is a long and tedious process. Yeah I think it is still worth it. Nah I don't want to risk OOC and NO DOWNGRADE. I can book out again this friday, but have to go back in the next day for guard duty -_-.
I know it is dumb to base half my reasons for further studies on my girlfriend. Have I gone too far? Am I too dependant? It actually works. It actually makes me WANT to do my best so that I can do my Masters in psychology. I understand myself, too well in fact. It is scary. It is just too depressing now. I can't take it mentally. I am afraid I will go berserk and start shooting at my officers. She is my whole life. The past 2 months passed too slowly. There is only 6 more weeks for my BMT, but I feel that it is getting worse, even though they said after range and field camp it will be very slack. Yeah right.
I love my girl. I have learnt to appreciate her MUCH more. That is one part of me that has grown up. I can and will devote my life to her. I love you CJ.
Off I go back to that place they call hell. Pray that I return in one piece, if I return at all.
~fin~
transient dreamer.~`unconscious
Friday, February 06, 2004
2/06/2004 09:42:00 PM
"Resurgence"
She is finally coming back.
Just 2 days ago I woke up with a very tight chest. Like I could not breathe, like I was drowning, or more like something was forcing its way out of my throat. It was midnight and I was too tired to go to the toilet so I waited till daybreak. Little did I know what I had stuck down there was the previous day's lunch and dinner. Man was I feeling sick. Now I know why I kept having cold sweat. Well off to the MO I went. Took my temperature and I just stared down at the digital screen. 38.1. My god, I was having a fever and I did not even notice. At least I got to go home. When I reached my bunk my friends told me they were being punished because people brought in illegal items. So stand by bed every hour. Man I was REALLY GLAD to go home. Pity them though, but what can I do? Even though I was in great pain, I still felt better being in my own shoes.
Nothing can get my spirits down. Not even the thought of maybe having to serve remedial training because I was on MC for so many days. Not even the thought of having to return to camp on Valentine's night because I have guard duty the next day. Not even the thought of the SIT test I have to take next week, which is like another field camp. She is coming back tomorrow, that is all that fills my head now. My spirits are lifted once again.
One thing that got me wondering was why people find their army friends to be the best friends they have in their lives. Yes, we go through every single crap together, but I wouldn't actually want to remember these crap. I find it difficult to talk to my old friends now, especially the girls, because my life is about the stupid army now and nothing else. I asked them whether they had anything interesting to talk about themselves but they said their life is very routine and that there was nothing much to talk about. I pity myself for harping on army life even after I book out but I seriously do not know what else to do. Last time at least we could talk about school and movies and such but now that I am so detached from civilisation, I hope everyone will understand.
~fin~
transient dreamer.~`unconscious